In the Valley of the Shadow of Death

Psalm 116:1-8 

 I love the Lord, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live. The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow. Then called I upon the name of the Lord; O Lord, I beseech thee, deliver my soul. Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful. The Lord preserveth the simple: I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee. For thou hast delivered my soul from death, mine eyes from tears, and my feet from falling.

I was walking one fall evening a few months ago when I took theses pictures and was pondering the verses above that I had come across and was reading it on my phone. "Thank you for preserving my life," I was telling the Lord. walking alone with our dog Charity down our driveway has always been special to me. It is the time I can relax as I think about life, and tell God whatever is on my mind. This evening however, as I thought over the many thing that had happened, I had much to be grateful for! You see, I had taken my health for granted until about 5 years ago, when my mother had an MS attach and I suddenly realized that my young healthy youthfulness was quickly vanishing. Worry and fear began to set in and I became insecure. My life was no longer as that of a normal 16 year old. Each day brought either pain or something strange and new that I had not experience before. Lord, what is going on? I felt alone, it seemed that know one really knew what I was going through. My heart ached, I mean literally, and headaches welcomed me everyday. My heart began to race and palpitate, and I began to have feel yucky in-between meals and very strange at times if I went too long without eating. I experienced strange aches and pains. Sometimes I felt out of breath, like I was starving for oxygen. It was really beginning to affect my daily life. My mother and sister and I were accustomed to going for a walk in the morning before breakfast, but one morning as we were walking I began to get weaker and weaker until I said, I can't go any farther, so we had to turn around and go back. I am an old lady, I could of told myself, but that was just not true! Why do such things have to happen? I used to lie in bed and cry, pleading with the Lord. sickness just is not fair! Such were the times of my former years...Many things have happened since then, including many other stressful situations in our family but the Lord with His mighty arm brought me thru! I was very grateful to have gotten thru those tumultuous times and my health had come back enough to where I felt I was closer to being a normal healthy person, however, headaches still called my name daily. 

Then it happened, not long after I had come back from Massage School in SD, I suddenly began to feel very strange again... Uh oh, I thought I was pretty healthy. Well physically I looked muscly and strong but internally something was happening...I used to be able to handle stressful situations but now, being frustrated about something for too long, dealing with conflict, or having to rush to do anything for too long began to make me feel nauseous and sick. I began to feel feverish when I got too hot and psoriasis began to break out all over my body as well as some very strange sensations. A feeling of lack of circulation, first in my chest than left and right sides of my chest and other random places including arms legs and especially calves. I would feel very thick headed and sometimes felt like I would faint. My heart started going out of rhythm so easily that I began to fear doing normal activities. Just simply carrying something heavy upstairs was enough to cause my chest and calves to ache as though they weren't getting enough circulation. That strange hunger for oxygen feeling also began to come back. I feel like an old lady with heart failure I thought. What if I really do have a heart condition at...21??? I would tell my family what I was experiencing but...I still felt alone. It seemed as though everyone expected me to be normal when I just really wasn't. I kept trying to do everything, but I was always afraid. I tried telling a friend but they only scared me more and told me I should go to the doctor and get checked out, perhaps I should of... It was as though whenever my heart began to slow down and beat how it should, I began to feel like I was sinking into death or something quite near to it, and the fright of feeling in such a way would bring the speed of my heart back up again and I would began to feel better. I was in a desperate case, yet I didn't even feel that the doctors would understand what was going on so I never went. However, God knew what was going on and He brought our pastors wife to my relief. I explained to her what I was feeling and she said I have felt that too. You have?!!! She actually understood and knew how to relate and told me what she thought was going on and what I should do. She then gave me some pills to take and said "see if you feel better after this." The little pills were magnesium and electrolytes. You see, I didn't realize it but, my body was very depleted of magnesium and my electrolytes were very out of wack. I already knew I had thyroid and adrenal issues, but, didn't realize that things could get this bad. That day was the turning point of my health. I began to take large amounts of magnesium, too much at times and I also began taking a thyroid supplement and electrolytes when I needed them. Thankfully the last of my fall gardening work quit and I was able to focus and my health and de-stressing. I was then introduced to a new supplement called Protandim which I think has helped with brain fog and overall good health. My health didn't recover right away though. It was a constant juggling of supplements and de-stressing to keep things at bay, and by the end of the day I was left to wonder...will I make it thru another night? What if my heart goes out of rhythm in the night and I don't wake up? Will my body keep living through the night? It was too much to handle and I had to let go. God I'm giving my life completely to you, my health, my future, my everything. What else could I do? Nothing else brought more peace than just letting go and letting God take control. Something seemed to say to me, you won't die yet, you have a future still, you have not started your massage business yet and the Lord still needs you for that. Yes, that's right...God's not done with me yet, and with that assurance I would then fall asleep for the night. Night after night I wrestled with this insecurity and every time the Lord seemed to calm me and tell me that my life was not done yet. It was then that I began to truly learn how to trust in the Lord and to trust His promises. My life long fear of death was suddenly slipping away. Wait what? I thought to myself, you're not afraid to die? But why fear? I gave my life to God and He promises to keep it for me and He won't let me die if it's His will. Whenever I began to doubt, I was reminded once again of how I had given my life to the Lord and my faith was strengthened. Unfortunately, now that my health has stabled out, I can feel that fear coming back again, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that God never leaves us in our perplexities and it is in our most trying moments when our strength is quickly slipping away that God's strength is perfect! And He WILL give it to us when we need it the most! 

I have learned, it really does not matter what happens to you as long as you surrender your life to God, trust Him and believe His word. You will come out strong!